If you like this photo of me you may be a hebephile, or an ebephile depending on what age you think I look here. I think I look to be a solid 15 or so, its just my petite stature and fat cheeks.
I hope you guys had a lovely Thanksgiving with your families and will continue to enjoy the holiday season. On Christmas I will most likely be in bed on vicodin due to having foot surgery on the 20th. I am most afraid of being put under for it, and annoyed that I will be a gimp for a few weeks.
I have never been put under before, and am an unfortunate combination of a control freak and a hypochondriac so you can imagine my thought process on this issue. I just keep telling myself it will pass, and I wont have a long time to freak out since I’ll be rendered unconscious and all.
Finals week for me is coming up, and my only real final is for my managerial accounting class, but man is it intimidating. I should be studying right now, but my ability to delay gratification is slipping as it always starts to toward the end of the semester. This break will be good for me.
Aren is as lovely and as gingery as ever. Love is an odd thing. No matter how bad of a fight we have, or how much we get under each others skin, the second he walks out of the door to go to work or to the store I am counting down the minutes until I can see him again.
I know I can be sort of high maintenance emotionally. I know I’m a bit of a slob, leaving pistachio shells on my desk, and never making the bed in the morning. I know sometimes I can be crabby, but I really do love him very much and have the best intentions for him and for us.
I want us to work. I want to be his wife one day. I want to give birth to ginger-spaniards, and give them all four letter names. Sometimes I just feel inadequate though, like I don’t have the ability to be a good wife due to my anxiety and depression issues.
Sometimes I imagine him with someone better than me. Some moderately attractive blonde. Attractive enough to be cuddly and arousing without attracting too much male attention. This blonde, she has a golden retriever, and she wears her hair in a ponytail. She is an awesome cook, and has never stripped on the internet or elsewhere for money.
I torture myself with my own perceived inadequacy, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, because the guilt I feel from “holding him down with me” causes me to push him away at times. I guess I understand now why people say you should learn to love yourself before you enter a relationship.
I’m used to being with guys that didn’t truly love me, and favored weed, friends, and video games over spending time with me, so this issue has never really come up for me in the past. When a man treats you in a way you feel you deserve to be treated, everything feels like its at an equilibrium. When a guy treats you in a way that is greater than how you feel you deserve, everything feels “off,” and your own self image will constantly attack and question the relationship like its a disease that your body is attempting to fight off.
I don’t want him gone though, I really don’t. Have any of you guys dealt with anything similar? No, just me? Okay. Well I’m going to go work on my accounting stuff now. I adore your faces, those that I have seen, and my imaginings of what your faces look like for those I have not.